No matter what the sites tell you, this is not optional. As I said in the previous section, a photo is worth 50,000 words online. If you only have prints, most sites will scan them for you at no charge.
2.
Write up a profile.
The various sites all have slightly different questions, but it's a good idea to have something prepared in advance. Write up a list of what you're looking for in a partner, a list of important things about your personality (especially the positive stuff), and come up with a snappy username and title. Click on How to Create a Winning Profile for more ideas.
3.
Get yourself an anonymous email address from a provider like Hotmail or Yahoo.
This way, you can take your correspondence off the site if you want to, without revealing your true identity (makes you sound like a superhero, doesn't it?). It will also help you organize your responses. If you're female, exceptionally good-looking, and/or you plan to join several sites, you can anticipate dealing with a really high volume of email. Having an account earmarked just for this can help organize things.
4.
Choose one or more from the hundreds of dating sites.
You can go for one of the mega-gigantic sites with a million-plus members, or you can pick one that's targeted to a certain demographic. There are dozens of legitimate dating sites listed and reviewed in our guide to help you. People often choose to join more than one site. After all, if you wanted to meet the most people, you wouldn't socialize in just one bar, or dance at only one club, or only attend one restaurant. But it's not so important where you start, as that you start, and keep going. Online dating offers plenty of instant gratification, but to win the final prize might take some time.
Before you lay out a chunk of cash, try a free or trial membership. This way, you can check out the site and, importantly, get an idea of whether they have enough appropriate prospects in your area. Here's a tip from Silverstein and Lasky, of Online Dating for Dummies:: Sign up for a week-or-shorter trial membership on a Wednesday or Thursday, and upload your photo immediately. The site should approve your picture and profile by Friday, and then you have the weekend-the highest-traffic time-to try out the system.
Pay sites mostly offer all-inclusive monthly subscriptions. A few, like LavaLife and Cupid Junction, use a system of tokens. You purchase virtual tokens, which you can use for emailing and instant messaging. Generally it only costs to initiate contact. If you like to take things really slowly and are very selective, a token system may be more cost-effective for you. If you want to contact a whole bunch of people in a short period, go with a monthly subscription.
If you want to join an all-inclusive site, it's best to spring for at least a six-month membership, preferably a full year. $75, the price for six months at some sites, is about the same as dinner and drinks for two at a nice restaurant. And on the off chance that you find the love of your life within the first week, do you really think you're going to be whining about your $75? Six months allows you to not feel rushed, and even to suspend your profile and rejoin if a good prospect doesn't work out. Plus, the more months you buy, the better deal you get. Sure, some sites are free, but it's a cliché for a reason: you usually get what you pay for.
5.
Send those emails!
Sure, you could just put up a profile and wait for folks to write you. But you'll get much better results if you take the initiative. Don't be reluctant to do this if you're female; I don't care what The Rules ladies say; guys like to be pursued. A good number of initial emails to send is six to 12, but you can work your way up to that. If you feel like you've picked the local herd clean, try a nearby zip code.
So say you've found a someone who looks really good to you. How do you initiate contact? You could send them an email. Some sites also allow you to instant-message other users, or send a "note" or "wink," which are pre-written little emails that express your interest but not much else. Personally, when I receive one of those pre-written notes, all I think is, "Hmm, here's someone who couldn't be bothered to send an actual email." Instant messaging is okay for someone you already know, but to break the ice that way is kind of childish.
What should you say? Here's where it's important to read the person's profile. It gives you things to talk about. Then, a good rule of thumb is "compliments and questions." An earnest compliment on the person's accomplishments, writing style, or life goals will say a lot. If you're emailing a woman, avoid talking too much about her beauty; you may come off as shallow, or trying to get into her pants. Men may respond better to this sort of flattery. People love to talk about themselves, so ask her something about an aspect of her profile: her work, her location, her hobbies. Ask open-ended questions. Don't give out your personal email address or phone number in this initial email; wait until you're both interested and it's apparent that it's going somewhere. Keep it short and light-one to two paragraphs should do it, and leave heavy topics for later. And sign your real first name.
Guys: Women are not necessarily into the strong silent type. They want someone who is enthusiastic, active, and warm. If you're not any of those things, for God's sake, pretend to be.
Take note: Websites with their own email system don't save your messages forever. You might need to save them on your machine or print them out, lest they get deleted at some point. If you're in contact with a bunch of different people at once, devise a system to keep track of them. Once you start talking on the phone, take notes during the conversation. You can even capture IM logs for later perusal. If you're juggling several different prospects, this is really important.
6.
Have Fun!
Yeah, I know you're looking for the future mother of your children, the person you hope to grow old with. The decisions you make could potentially affect the course of your life. But really, don't think about that. Just imagine you're going out bar-hopping, except that you're going to a magical bar which you can populate with precisely the kind of partner you like. Then have a great time.
Finally, if whatever you're trying doesn't seem to be working, revise your strategy. Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result."
You can go for one of the mega-gigantic sites with a million-plus members, or you can pick one that's targeted to a certain demographic. There are dozens of legitimate dating sites listed and reviewed in our guide to help you. People often choose to join more than one site. After all, if you wanted to meet the most people, you wouldn't socialize in just one bar, or dance at only one club, or only attend one restaurant. But it's not so important where you start, as that you start, and keep going. Online dating offers plenty of instant gratification, but to win the final prize might take some time.