The world of Online Dating and responding to personals is far from simple. Don't let frustration keep you from taking full advantage of all that this new way to connect can offer. Instead, let the Dating Dame be your beacon of truth in times of confusion. Submit your questions here, and read what other hapless would be romancers are asking, and what wisdom the Dame has to share.
This Weeks Questions.
B.Z. asks:
What does it mean when someone seems really interesting, but stops responding when you suggest you meet in person? I'm posing this question because I have been the one to lose my nerve and suddenly stop responding as soon as someone suggests we get together in RL!
[So, since B.Z. seemed to know just what it meant, I asked her why she does this, and what the guy at the other end should do in response.]
Somehow, all my Internet and blind dating experiences have been lopsided. I have never been in a situation where we both had a great time, or where we mutually decided we never wanted to see each other again. It's always been a case of either me really liking my date, only to be rejected, or, eeeep!, me having to reject someone creepy who really, really likes me.
So when I mysteriously disappear online, it usually means I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of the person saying, "Hurrumph, she said she was zaftig, not fat." I am afraid of becoming all nervous and silly and making a fool of myself by saying the wrong things. And if I do manage to overcome these worries, I have the secondary fear of rejecting. If the person is, in real life, dull or bad-tempered or smelly, I don't want to have gotten all excited about a date only to have to turn down their request for another one.
What should the person do in response? DON'T go all stalkery on me, sending email after email imploring me to respond. The best thing to do would be to continue to send the occasional email just to keep in touch. Perhaps ask for my help with something--you need to buy a present for a teenaged niece, or you need to translate something into a language I know. You might invite me to a group event. If you are painting your house and inviting everyone you know over to help paint and then eat barbecue, I just might show up.
B.Z.
St. Louis, MO
Dear B.Z.,
It sounds like you’ve answered your own question, sort of. At least, you’re telling everyone in Net-land what it means when you act the way you do. But this isn’t going to help you find a good partner. The bigger issue for you is: what can you do to get over your shyness and insecurity so you can really show interest in the good ones? My advice is to try and relax about the process.
Love
Da Dame
E.B. asks:
How do you get a sense of whether it's safe to meet in person? I stay away from online dating because I'm afraid of ending up hacked to pieces in a dumpster (or having some other unpleasant experience).
E.B.
Hoboken, NJ
Dear E.B.,
I think it’s always safe to meet in person, presuming you take a few commonsense precautions. You don’t know any less about someone you meet online than someone you meet in the supermarket or a bar; it’s not any more dangerous than meeting a stranger in another context. Meet during the day in a public place, like a coffee shop. Drive yourself to and from the meeting, or take public transportation. Tell a friend where you’ll be and when you expect to be back. Don’t give the guy any personal information like a phone number or address. You should assume everyone is an axe murderer until proven otherwise—either through a trusted reference, or your own intuition and experience. Until you can swear on your late grandma's grave that you believe the guy is a good one, stay on your guard. Men, it couldn’t hurt to follow the same precautions. Maybe a woman couldn’t overpower you, but she could have a weapon on her, or she could have a guy friend along.
This is a really scary topic, so I want to inject a note of realism. Most of my friends spend an unhealthy amount of time on the Internet, and meet lots of people that way. And although certainly you may run into some losers, or some creepy folks, I do not know of anyone who has met with an untimely demise or even an untimely injury from dating someone he or she met online.
Love,
Da Dame
J.K. asks:
What do you do if someone emails you and you KNOW they're not someone you'd date from their picture alone (sorry, but it's true)... and they won't stop emailing you because they think the squeaky wheel gets the grease? In the past I've lied and said, "Hey! I met someone, bye," but that tactic shoots me in the foot because I then have to take my profile down. I mean, how do you let someone down gently?
J.K.
Wilmington, DE
Dear J.K.,
If you haven’t flat-out said "Sorry, I'm not interested," it’s your fault that the person is still nagging you. Some people aren't too good with subtlety. What if you have told the person a flat-out no and he or she still keeps emailing? I don't know why anyone would think that if they just hound you long enough, you'll give in. Persistence is admirable, but there’s a point where it’s more desperation than tenaciousness. After you've said a clear but polite "no," the only thing left to do is ignore him. If he starts harassing or threatening you, report him to the site administrators.
Love,
Da Dame
W.H. asks:
I've posted my profile on an Internet dating site and have heard from a nice woman. How soon should I tell her I'm kinky as all getout?
W.H.
Dryhump, IL
Dear W.H.,
Well, you have a couple of choices.
1. You can just start out with a dating site like alt.com, bondage.com, or collarme.com, where such orientations are commonplace.
2. You can stick with the mainstream dating sites. Of course, there are a lot more people on these sites: this means more prospects. But unfortunately, a fairly small percentage are going to be a) kinky, and b) into your particular kink(s). Also, guys who start talking about sex straight off the bat on mainstream dating sites tend to come across as, well, sleazy. This means you have to invest a little time with each woman who seems promising, in order to carefully "feel her out" for her level of kinkiness. You just have to try and weed out the more uptight and weed in the more adventurous. That’s quite a lot of work and you could get brutally rejected an awful lot. If it were me, I'd stick with the BDSM specialty sites.
But now to your more specific question about this one chick. I’d say think of the lightest, most acceptable version of your kink that you can possibly imagine. Then try and work it into the conversation to gauge her response. Maybe pretend it’s a friend of yours who does this thing or has this interest. If she seems shocked, you know you have a long hard road ahead of you. If she seems intrigued or even just amused, you have a shot. You can also try mentioning popular books or movies that included your kink to see what she thought of them.
Email me privately to tell me more about your kink(s). I’m terribly curious!
The world of Online Dating and responding to personals is far from simple. Don't let frustration keep you from taking full advantage of all that this new way to connect can offer. Instead, let the Dating Dame be your beacon of truth in times of confusion. Submit your questions here, and read what other hapless would be romancers are asking, and what wisdom the Dame has to share.
