I, Jennifer Hunter, am a real live 30-something woman who spends way too much time on the Internet. I have been socializing and flirting via computer since age 15, when I'd dial in to my boyfriend's BBS with my 300-baud modem. I met my now ex-husband online (hey, the Net can only do so much), and have since continued using it to make more friends, hook up with new lovers, and socialize with the ones I already have. (Yes, the Dame enjoys dating so much, she has no immediate plans to be monogamous. Fortunately, her boyfriend is just fine with that.) I am the author of numerous magazine articles, erotic stories, and three books on NeoPaganism. Jewish by birth, I'm excited about this opportunity to be your virtual yenta.
I scour the Internet, looking for various dating websites and the people who have used them. Then I use my womanly wiles and dastardly interrogatory style to coax every last drop of information out of them about their experiences. I actually join many of the sites myself, to see first-hand whether they're hot or not. Yes, I am actually being hit on, embarrassing myself, falling in lust, and forgetting my various passwords, all in the interest of getting the dirt for you.
Got a Burning Question?
I can't be your personal matchmaker or introduce you to any of my hot friends. But if you have a question that seems applicable to our other readers, email me, and I'll try to answer it in my advice column.
Not Just for Losers Anymore
We've come a long way since newspaper personals, which have the stigma of being a resource for people who can't find a partner any other way. Rather, putting a profile on a dating site is really a way of making the dating scene much more efficient, productive, safe, fun, and, above all, successful.
In "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book." A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating, Evan Marc Katz writes, "Online dating is the leading paid content category on the Internet [yes, bigger than porn], accounting for 30 percent of all paid content spending. He goes on to tell us that in "May of 2003, 45 million people visited online dating websites. That's over 40 percent of all the single adults in America." And it's not just for the younguns, either: The fastest-growing age group is 35 to 44, followed by 45 to 54. Makes sense, since the older (and busier) you are, the harder it is to meet single people offline. This is also a group of people that knows it is generally wise to segregate your work life and your personal life.
Why is online dating suddenly all the rage? In short, it's anonymous, personal, searchable, local, and fast. The magic of computing lets you sort your prospect to instantly eliminate the deal-breakers (e.g., drinkers, smokers, vegetarians, etc.). You already know that everyone you meet on a dating site is single (or at least, interested in finding a partner), but you can refine things much more than that. Looking for someone to sire your progeny? In real life, you may not find out until you've already wasted two hours talking with someone that they never want to have children. On a dating site, you can only look at profiles of people who want kids. If you prefer non-smokers, you can easily filter out (so to speak) all the smokers in your area.
The medium of the Internet does some filtering on its own. In order for someone to use a dating site, she has to be literate and know how to use a computer (most own them). This naturally filters out the idiots and gets you a better class of people.
Another wonderful thing about dating sites is that you can be as anonymous as you want. You choose your own username; you write your own essay. You can even claim a zip code or area code that's not your own. You really need to put up a photo, but wear a Zorro mask if you're concerned about your arch-nemesis. But assuming you have nothing to hide, don't be ashamed to be identified. The only people who are going to see you are on the site for the same reason you are.
Seriously, the dating scene can be a ripe environment for embarrassment and rejection. Having the buffer of a computer monitor makes things so much easier. It's easier to pick people up, easier to deal with rejection, and easier to escape a sucky interaction. If you don't like someone, you can just stop writing to them, and if necessary, block them from contacting you. What's more, dating sites allow you to learn much more about your prospects much more quickly than you ever could by meeting the conventional way, so you'll never go blindly into a "blind date."
Going from real life to online dating is like moving from a bicycle to a racecar: it will get you where you're going faster, and with a lot less effort. MRP, a 30-something straight man in San Francisco, said of E-Harmony, "I met more good potential long term partners in four months here that I did in the previous five years of going to bars, flirting with people at work, joining group activities."
Anecdotal evidence says that there are a lot more men than women on these sites, especially the ones geared specifically toward sex (a friend of mine estimates 10 men for every woman). So if you're female, you're in luck: Women are stars in this environment. If you're a guy, all is not lost; you just have to go the extra mile to stand out and look irresistible. I can help you with that!
What's the recipe for success in the online dating world? It's a combination of method and magic. The method is the work you can do: thinking about what you're looking for, researching the different sites, reading advice and tips from others, putting up an excellent photo, working hard to craft a good profile, and searching the sites for someone with promise. But there's an element of magic, too. No matter how hard you try to control your dating experience, you also have to be willing to take what the universe gives you, when it decides to give it. Do the method and be open to the magic.
We've come a long way since newspaper personals, which have the stigma of being a resource for people who can't find a partner any other way. Rather, putting a profile on a dating site is really a way of making the dating scene much more efficient, productive, safe, fun, and, above all, successful.
Another wonderful thing about dating sites is that you can be as anonymous as you want. You choose your own username; you write your own essay. You can even claim a zip code or area code that's not your own. You really need to put up a photo, but wear a Zorro mask if you're concerned about your arch-nemesis. But assuming you have nothing to hide, don't be ashamed to be identified. The only people who are going to see you are on the site for the same reason you are.